Things you Might Overhear From A Klingon Programmer

1. "I have challenged the entire ISO-9000 review team to a round of Bat-Leth practice on the holodeck. They will not concern us again."
2. "C++? That is for children. A Klingon Warrior uses only machine code, keyed in on the front panel switches in raw binary."
3. "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Bugs are good for building character in the user."
4. "Defensive programming? Never! Klingon programs are always on the offense. Yes, Offensive programming is what we do best."
5. "Klingon programs don't do accountancy. For that, you need a Farengi programmer."
6. "Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing". When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine."
7. "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
8. "You humans call this thing a 'cursor' and you move it with 'mouse'! Bah! A Klingon would not use such a device. We have a Karaghht-Gnot - which is best translated as "An Aiming Dagger of 16x16 pixels" and we move it using a Gshnarrrf which is a creature from the Klingon homeworld which posesses just one, (disproportionately large) testicle...which it rubs along the ground.....uh do we really need to talk about this?"
9. "I am without honor...my children are without honor... My father coded at the Battle of Kittimer...and...and...he...
   HE ALLOWED HIMSELF TO BE MICROMANAGED." <shudder>
10. "Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes'. Typically leaving a trail of wounded programmers in it's wake."
11. "Microsoft is actually a secret Farengi-Klingon alliance designed to cripple the Federation. The Farengi are doing the marketing and the Klingons are writing the code."
12. "Klingons do not believe in indentation - except perhaps in the skulls of their program managers."
13. "You can't truly appreciate Dilbert unless you read it in the original Klingon."
14. "This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!"
15. "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"
16. "By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!"
17. "You question the worthiness of my Code?! I should kill you where you stand!"
18. "Our competitors are without honor!"
19. "Specs are for the weak and timid!"
20. "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
21. "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"
22. "My program has just dumped Stova Core (Yes, that is a play on Sto'Vo'Kor.)!"
23. "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"

Wii laptop

Yes matt, this post is for you. I found this on engadget.com, and someone took a wii and put a screen on it and a battery. this is the wii laptop. the link for the gallery is Here, Here, Here, Here, Here, Here or Here.

the master

1.    A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his butt twice, but it was

   promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.

2. With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

3. 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

4. Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady...just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

5. It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

6. Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

7. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

8. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

9. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

10. 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

11. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

12. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more cool than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

13. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

14. The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

15. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

16. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

17. Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

18. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

19. Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

20. Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

21. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

22. The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

23. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

24. Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

25. The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

26. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

27. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

28. On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

29. Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

30. Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

31. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

32. Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

33. Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

34. Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

35. Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

36. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

37. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

38. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

39. Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

40. It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

41. Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.

42. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

43. The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

44. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

45. Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

46. The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

47. Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

48. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

49. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

50. Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

51. If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

52. Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

53. Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

54. Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy

55. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

56. Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

57. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

58. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

59. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

60. Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

61. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous

62. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

63. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

64. Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking

65. Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their butt. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

66. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

67. Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb

68. Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

69. Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

70. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night

71. Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best butt espresso on Earth".

72. Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

73. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

74. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

75. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

76. Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

77. Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

78. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

79. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

80. Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

81. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

82. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

83. Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

84. When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

85. Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

86. If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.

87. Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

88. Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.And Wally

90. If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

91. Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

92. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

93. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself.  He went undefeated.

94. Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

95. According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

96. Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris

97. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

98. There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

99. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

100. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

101. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

102. Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.

103. Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

104. A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

105. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

106. Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
107. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

108. Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

109. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

110. Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

111. When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

112. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

113. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

114. Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

115. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

116. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

117. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

118. Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

119. In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

120. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

121. Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

122. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

123. When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

124. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
125. Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

126. Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

127. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

128. It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

129. The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's butt halfway through the first chapter

130. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

131. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

132. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

133. If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas

134. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Tuesday of the month.

135. July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.

136. Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

137. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

138. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

139. Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

140. How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

141. 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

142. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

143. Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

144. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

145. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

146. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

147. They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's butt, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

148. The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

149. When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

150. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

151. Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

152. The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

153. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

154. If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

155. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

156. Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.

157. One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

158. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

159. Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It's actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it's simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.

160. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

161. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

162. Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

163. The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to ask him and run away before he roundhouse kicks you in the face. He will say so by the amount of roundhouse kicks he gives you.

164. Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

165. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

166. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

167. One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'

168. When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

Currently Listening Smile, It's the End of the World By Hawk Nelson The One Thing I Have Left see related

Waldo is dead!! Lower the flag to half staff!!!

Apathy is fun.